FALLing

Photo by DarlingDilemma

I'm tired. I mean really, really tired.
Is it because, after a lovely summer of frolicking, beading, family & sunshine I have gone back to work? Maybe.
Or maybe it is because work consists of two jobs, plus mothering, wifeing & still trying to build my shop's stock for Christmas?
Possibly.
Or could it be because one job has me running the roads all over New Brunswick, while the other requires me to be back in town for after school?
It might be.

But I know myself well enough to know, that the maybes, possibilities and mights of all those things, will fade as I adjust to the new schedules and routines.  I know myself well enough to know that the greater reality is the season...
Strangely enough, although fall is my most favorite season, it is also the beginning of something difficult for me.  Fall is filled with some of my favorite things; pumpkin spice lattes, fall wardrobes, the best colours in nature, crisp air and Halloween! But fall is also the gateway to winter, shorter days & longer nights.  This seasonal change effects a lot of us similarly.  A sense of sadness, depression & just pure exhaustion fights its way into an otherwise normal demeanor.  My active summer self seems to have quickly left me.  I find my errands harder to do & naps suddenly feel mandatory (although hardly ever possible).  I can switch from enjoying a moment, to longing, sadness or even tears.  I admit, sometimes I watch 'Brothers & Sisters' just so I can cry and get it over with... lol

But fall does something else to me too.
Fall fills me with love. I sometimes think I can feel, like the Grinch, my heart grow two sizes in the fall. Like my chest expands to compensate for my growing capacity to love. 
I want to squeeze my son more, snuggle under a blanket.  I tell him I love him so much he laughs.

I want to hold my husband's hand more while we walk and stay in our warm bed longer and longer.

The sight of fallen leaves makes me feel the need to tell someone 'I love you so much'.



ROOM with a view

 So tell me, how does that make sense?

Monday's Child (by Thursday)

Okay so on Tuesday it was the beginning of middle school, Wednesday it was taking the bus & walking home alone & today.... first school dance?!?!??!

Come on!              
*imagine me saying this out loud with a lot of emphasis*

My husband said I should chaperone. Of course he said it with a teasing/mocking/hahaha tone.  I considered it, at least for a moment.

They didn't ask for any chaperones. 
Still, I wouldn't. Not really.  I honestly DO want him to be his own person & I love watching him grow into it, but at the same time I miss every single step he has taken. (except for the 3 months he stopped sleeping when he was about 3...)
 
I love watching the expressions on his face now, that show a different kind of knowledge than they did last year or the year before. I enjoy seeing his bravery in the face of new & his confidence when meeting people.  I especially love the last ones, as it was something I never had.
So why does letting him stay home to read while I get groceries feel like... letting go? I mean it feels like an actual, physical, letting go of something almost tactile!

But I take pure joy from the times when he slips back into childlike behaviour.  When he pleads for me to snuggle him a moment longer when I tuck him in. Or when he locks his arms & legs around me in the pool.